An Audience with Billy Connolly
(Broadcast version)
[The audience is composed of celebrities - that is, early eighties British celebrities that few people remember any more. We see, among others and in no particular order: Bill Wyman, Bob Hopkins, Ringo Star, Julie Walters, Michael Parkinson, Nigel Planer, Bob Geldof, Robbie Coltrane, Joanna Lumley and Charles Dance.]
Billy Connolly enters the stage in
front of a wide back-projection screen showing his name in pink neon.
He silences the audience, turns to the screen and gestures. The screen
shows another audience. He turns back.
So tonight, if you suck, they come in.
He conjures up the other audience again, and then the pink name.
I always wanted one of them.
My manager promised years ago, he
said "do it right, billy, and you can have your name in pink."
Who did that?
I start very slow
I'd say, it is decidedly average to be
here. It's like live and telly, isn't it, and I've never seen so many
famous people in my whole life. It's great, it's like a party at our
house. I love it. I start very slow.
I do, I start real slow, and I...
because I think you're the same yourself, you know, when you go at..
when you go to your work. Not you peolpe at the front. The working
classes at the back. The ones they talk about in those political
programs as the ordinary people. All you ordinary people,
up there. When you go to your work in the morning, like 8 o'clock or
whenever you start, you don't sort of go "8 o'clock, tschee", and into
it. You sort of relax and scratch your ass and read the paper and look
out the window. Well, this is me at my work. This is me, I'm doing it.
This is not a job scheme, this is what I do. And it awful, every time I
open my eyes, I'm looking at one of my heroes, It's like a nightmare.
I did it once before, you know. It was
in the year the.. Scotland qualified to play in the...you know,
Scotland always qualify, you have to think of the year. I think it was
74 or something they qualif... they were playing in Germany, and the
guy who were supposed to make money for them, kind of ripped them off.
The Scottish football team, that is. They ended up by being given a
sort of a six month loan of a Vauxhall. Jet set stuff, isn't it? The
loan of a Vauxhall for six month. So, Willy Altman, who were their
manager, asked me to go down and entertain the team, and it was hellish.
There was just this room full of Denis Laws and Billy Bremners. I did
the whole thing with my eyes shut. My God, it was the best laxative
I've ever known.
About myself
So, I was going to tell you about m...
about myself. You probably know a lot of it, because I'd kind of become
the darling of the chat shows. But I should tell you, I lie a lot. So,
some of it wasn't true, I have made myself very windswept and
interesting, as the years have gone on. Because I was born a sort of
fart. So I've tried everything to be exotic. I've fought being plain
all my life, but it keeps coming back. I always look... when I buy
something expensive, I look as if I stole it, you know. There's a look
about me, y'know. People give me presents, you know, like Cartier
glasses. The police go "where did you get them?!" They throw me in
their car. So it's...it's weird, you know, I got this mark on me that
says "nothing", and I don't know where that is. God knows, I have tried
everything. But it's... I was born in Anderston in Glasgow. It's down
at the dockside there. I don't remember it much, because we left when I
was three or four, and I was brought up in Partick in Glascow, where
Partick Thistle originally came from. The football team. Partick
Thistle FC. I say that because most Englishmen think they're called
"Partick Thistle Nil", right. And they are always good for a laugh, you know, Partick Thistle, and they, yeah, what can I say.
I was brought up as a catholic in Partick, and it was OK. I've got A-level guilt, y'know. Everytime I interfere with my self, I think I'm going to hell. It was an OK education for everybody else. I think I spent most of the time watching pigeons screwing in the roof gutter. That was it, that was the education. I was very lucky, because there was full employment on the Clyde, you know, and that was the way of Glasgow then, the schools opened their doors and the shipyards opened theirs and everybody poured in. And I became a welder. I was actually becoming en engineer, and joined the wrong queue. And it is the truth. Because everybody had jobs, and "engineers this way, here's the queues", and I joined the wrong line and became a welder. And I started being an apprentice welder without even knowing what a welder was - I didn't know what to press to make it work, for Christ sake.
Territorial Army
That was it, and I joined the Territorial Army, to make myself a bit more exotic. I did, I did. It was the parachute regiment, and I got my red baret, and I looked like acne. Had my uniform, and I got my wings and everything. We did an execise once, it was a complete and utter waste of time, as the entire Territorial Army is. We did an exercise... it's a dreadful waste of time and money. I swear, I mean we did an exercise on Cyprus. All us paratroopers and the Kyrenia Mountains - with my gun. And we chased.. the parachute regiment chased the Green Howards through the mountains for ten days. And we caught one. There were thousands of us, armed to the teeth, bajonets down our trousers, and it was great and I was posing. Everybody looked like Rambo. And we caught this poor bastard, and he worked in the same shipyard as me. He was a Territorial, too. It was great, I could have sneaked up behind him in the cantine and saved the country a fortune.
Scotish people
Itīs odd. I must say... But I've always... There's something about a ord... I don't understand very much. I'm not saying "love me, love me, i'm thick.", right, but there are a lot of things, that my brain won't allow me to understand, you know, because they are so incredibly boring. God knows I've tried. Especially with politics. You get two pages, you go "ahh, bollocks, who cares!? who cares?!". I mean, that's who.. I've become a kind of anarkist, you know. I think, roughly, the desire to be a politician, should ban you for life for ever being one. Don't vote, it encourages them. Isn't that awful. But anyhow, I tend to look at it slightly diff... and I look at singers in the telly, and I look at Scottish singers, and I think "what are you doing?!" You see, I'm a Scottish person. Right, you probably noticed. And I'm looking at these Scots on telly... they are sort of singing shortbread tins. It's the whole nation that are singing about this garbage.
(Singing) Arrh, the mountain's over here
and the river's over there.
Salmons in the river,
and I'm roaming in the gloaming.
Ho, ho, ho, ho.
Bonny purple mountains,
and the sun is going up. - Fuck off!!!
I don't even begin to understand that. Because the folkmusic is actually wonderful, the real... but they avoid that like the plague, in order to sing this stuff. And it's all written here in London, by strange wee men, who have never seen Scotland. And one of them got found out about five years ago. He wrote a song called "the blue misty hills of tiree". But if you have ever been in Tiree, it's like a bloody billard table.
Ahh, the misty blue hills...
And there's this never ending line of highland weird people. I mean, I'm not saying... The highland people are an amazing race of people. Lyrical, nice people. But there is a section, who keep turning up on television in Scotland, with white nylon shirt and a space in their teeth, and the wee badger handbag, there. Mountains and rivers and bonny Moragh and the roaming in the gloaming. It's a very strange affair. And then there are the Gaelic ones. You've probably seen them. They say "hello" to you all the time, when they are siging.
(Singing) Hellee hi'o ho....
"this is a song they do, when they are measuring up the harris tweed, to send it off to..." Then I say, why are you wearing a bloody nylon shirt?
(Singing) Hellee hi'o ho....
And it's absolute nonsense. And we seem to produce in Scotland a kind of religion, that's very strange, too. It's the most patronising thing in television, except for the weather. Is Wincey Willis here? (She is) Hi, Wincey-Pooh. I was just thinking... that television treats you as you are four years of age. "now here is the weather. this is the country, where you live. and this is a wee cloud." I really feel brassed off when they do that. They stick clouds and lightning on the board. "You don't need to do that. I know what a cloud looks like. just tell me, I'll understand." But you got to behave yourself.
Agrh, I'm getting... But anyway I was checking... That kind of singing, you know, women sing kind of weird up there, they've spoiled a lot of great songs, y'know. Robert Burns wrote some real crackers, and they spoil them with that strange "wahhhhh" way of singing. 'Cause ordinary people sing OK. No, really. And the whole thing is organised by people who got second names instead of first names. "crawford, have you seen finlay?" Who are these people? They are aliens. The surname clan has taken over. "kendall, have you seen finlay? he was with crawford and [???]" What are you talking about? And the women dancers are great, y'know, they are all giving it a bit of that. Winsome and buxom. And the men are getting a bit... (dancing) For me, it's a bit strange... It's a bit like ballroom dancing is getting the same, with people doing that... (dancing) What are they doing? If you go down a Glasgow dance hall, you'll last about ten minutes. With an elastic suit on. What's that? What's that pasodoble? Nobody actually does the pasodoble, except them. And drunk people on holliday in Spain.
Religion on the telly
I named religion as I was telling you. The religion is a real growth industry in Scotland. The BBC religious department has got 14 offices. What do they do all day? You can't hear the typewriters for the rattling of the rosaries, up there. It's very odd, and you get this never ending procession of wee men who come on at night, and tell you how dreadful the world is. And then in the most patronising possible way, try to introduce you to God. No, if there is a god, and I suppose there is, really. 'Cause I've always thought, if you believe in God, if anybody believes in God, there is one, you know, and it's not up for question. But these wee men come on, and try and tell you... And the ones on England and the Radio Four in the morning aren't any better. They seem to have this never ending line of people called Nigel. They tell you all about God in this strange fashion. "Yes, I went to a football match the other day." And "you know" is the key. "You know... I went to a football match the other day, and it was terribly exciting, that. I watched with Peter [???]. Tottenham Hotspur were playing another bunch of chaps. They were very very good, I remember. The game was rather exciting, and on the way home I... I said to my son, Nigel junior, I said 'Nigel?". He said 'Yes daddy'. I said 'Didn't you enjoy the game, Nigel'. 'Oh yes, father, it was super and terribly exciting.' 'Is that all, Nigel?' 'Well yes, daddy.' 'But, Nigel, didn't you attempt to think of it, on a more spiritual plane?' 'Did Jesus play for Tottenham Hotspur, daddy?' And, you know, in a funny way he did."
More about myself
To give you... For those of you, who don't know what I do. That must include me, really. I've never really understood what I do, but I've been intrigued for many many years, since I was a wee boy, with the way ordinary people behaved. And I've often looked at people, and thought "my god". 'Cause I have been kind of obsessed with sex, as well, you see. It took me an extraordinary length of time to loose my virginity. Oh God almighty, it was ages. I won't even tell you, because you will talk about me. But it was a long time. I was tattooed first. It was so long, I had to do it eventually, for the sake of my sight. It was purely for reasons of [??? visibility ???]. I was going mental, I was becoming a funny shape. No, really. I seem to.. I seem to see things, that people don't... just take f... I was in Los Angeles, and this is the truth, there was a sign, and it said "to the braille school". And I thought "who is it for?" And I thought "Why don't they do all roadsigns in braille?". People stop and go "Ah, oh, yes".
Another bit about my life, before I got here, to this stage. You know, to this part of my life. Is... I used to be a folksinger. But I was dreadful. My voice was like a goose farting in the fog. And it doesn't make you atractive to women at all. Funny enough, I was talking to Robbie Coltrane about this a wee while ago. We did a program recently, me and Robbie Coltrane, and we were talking the way real people... You know what I was talking about "hilee ho tay la ho hee..." The way real people... "hey dee howwww..." [The way] they go to parties.
(singing) Haydee haydee howwwuuuuu....
Singing at parties
See, now I loved that. I used to go to parties and listen to these men singing. For years I didn't know it was English. I thought, it was some weird Scottish language. I went round the music shops of Glasgow, trying to find the words. "Well, how does it go?" "It goes like 'Hey dee howwww...' " "No, I don't know that one." And they weren't like London kind of showbiz parties. You got a huge carry-out first with a dozen beers and a half-bottle of whisky. "You better get some Bacardi, there might be women there." "Ok."
And this carrier bag... You've seen this carrier bag... I know they're sort of.. I don't know if they got'em in England. They certainly didn't use to have them. This carrier bag with a brewery on the site. And off you go, looking for a party. I mean, you're not invited, you don't get invited. They sort of happen. So you get the bag, and you go along these tenement street listening. And then from a window you hear "Heydee howww..." "I'll do the big man." Easy, up you go, and then when you get there, if anything ever happens, you just tell them, Jimmy said it was OK. There is always a Jimmy in the room. "I met a guy down in the boozer, Jimmy, he said to come right up." "What did he look like?" "Ah, he was a bit pissed, you know." "Ah, that'll be him." There's someone upside down behind the telly. "There's the man, the very man." "Sit down son, give us a song." "Heydee howwww..." And theres another thing about Scotsmen, they always sing about being far away from Scotland, when they're still there. "Though I'm far across the sea..." "No, you're not." "Yyou shut your face. It's the only song your father knows right through. Be quiet." "...and very far away..." And, of course, everybody likes to sing, and sometimes they spin a bottle. And when it points at you, it's your turn, and you have to do a thing, you know. And if you only know the one song, and somebody might sing it before you, you have to leave, go home. "So, i'm off." It has happened to me. I used to be "The wild side of life". "All about the wild side of life..." And it's the "wi-eld" "And I'm back to the wi-eld. Who said life..." What's the one... you know what a "hyve" is? A "hy-ve"? That's what the old rugged cross stands on. "And far away, on a hyve."
The priest
And the priest... the priest used to come round visiting, the houses, you know, to see how everybody was doing. And they were always wee lonely men. They always looked cold, priests, they never had a clean..., you know, cold looking men. They say "Here's a priest comming. Put that television off. Right, get to yer rooms, come on, hurry, get in. The priest is comming up the bloody stairs. Get in." And you see, priests think the world is full of broken televisions. Everywhere they go, they are not working. You see, a guy once told me, the Queen thinks the world smells like paint, because ten feet in front of her, there's always a guy going.." (mimics painting) And as I said, I lived in a tenements there, and there was a kind of... there was a warmth about the whole thing. There was... I've always seen tenements as kind off vertical villages. People say "Oh, the depravation! Oh my..." Nonsense! When you are a wee boy it's not like that. It felt great, there was all these nice neighbours, and the big wooden toilet seats, then. Was luxuries, you didn't loose the power of you legs, reading the sunday paper. Maybe it's my age, It seems I can't walk halfway through.. "Heeelp!" Pins and needles, can't [move???] the darn things. [???] for you, oh my god!"
The only other time I've felt like that, I'd had a drink in Amerika, called a "zombie". Have you ever drank Zombies? It's kind of muddy coloured. I would advise you to do it. It's an extraordinary concept, you get drunk from the bottom up. You are perfectly lucid, talking away: "oh yeah, been there. yeah. have you got the time? oh, is that british time? you've been very.. oh, terrific, jet-setting, urbane." Until you need to go to the toilet. And your legs are pissed. "excuse me, i'll just go to the toilet." (Falls over.) And you can't get up, you see. "Well, come on!"
Clint Chick Murray once told me, he fell in the street, and a woman said to him "Did you fall?" He said "Noo, I'm trying to break a bar of chocolate in my back pocket."
But a priest come to the house, and mother said...you see, in a tenementship, it's a bit, y'know, a bit poorish, and in the winter you throw coats on the bed, for the kids. "There's a coat there, to keep you warm." Oh God, the very thought! But it was actually brilliant, cause you could wear them in the dark, and go... playing things. "You wear the fur coat, now, I'll wear the big..."
And the priest's in having the cornbeef sandwiches and the custard cream crumpets. "Have another crumpet, father, that's what they're there for. Come on, get it down." "Thank you very much, mrs Connolly." There's bedlam in the room behind. "Will you quiet. Will you try to be quiet in there. I can hardly hear myself think in here. I'm trying to talk to father Flanagan in here. The noise is deafening." "It's him, mommy, it's him again. He has taken more than his fair share of the coat." "What are you talking about, coat. There's no coat in there. I don't know, she has a fertile imagination, father. The coats are all in the cloakroom." They're in the kitchen. Bloody cloakroom. She thinks it a dancehall, she's in. "The coats are in the cloakroom, and well you know it. Down on the mezzanine floor. Near the lunchenette, next to the breakfast bar. It's an eiderdown, you stupid girl. Coat, ha, ha, ha, I don't know where they get it. She must have thought it was one of them duvet jackets. Eiderdown! You were saying, father... what were you saying about God, there, father? What was that? All right, enough. Here, have another custard creme, that's right. Oh, you don't say." Bedlam, bedlam, bedlam. "Will you stop that, in there! I won't tell you... I won't tell you again." "It's him, mommy, it's him again." "What's his doing this time?" "He is shoving his legs through the sleeves of the eiderdown."
Communication trouble
See, I've always had... I've always had trouble with communication. And it started at home, you know, no one could ever talk to me. You know, you say "Dad?" He says "What?" And everybody I knew were the same, all my friends. And it... the people couldn't communicate properly. They didn't talk about generation gap, because it wasn't a problem. You just battered the children. "You (slap) stupid (slap) person." And on it went. But they used to say strange things to you. Say "Can I go out on my bike?" "What? Bike? I'll give you bike!" "I've got a bike." "Don't talk to me like that! And don't think that about me, boy!" "Can I go to the pictues?" "WHAT? Pictures is it? I'll pictures you, my lad!" What does that mean? There's lots of things I don't know. "I'll make you smile in the other side of your face." "What're you gonna do, slash me?" And then there's one they use in Scotland: "I'll take my hand off your face, my boy." It was the putting on at high speed, I didn't fancy.
Touching my willy
I've started touching my willy. It is one of my more disconcerting traits recently. Because I've been talking about people who touch theirs, and it has led me to touch mine. And there's a strange comfort to be had. You don't wiggle about or anything. You check it like you check your change, or credit card or ... willy. I think maybe it's gonna fall off, when you get older, like your hair. Perhaps when you're older, you loose your willy. Panic in your soul. Usually happens to men in their thirties. Happened to me in mine. Your lying in your bath, luxuriating. And you look down. And there's your first gray pubic hair. That's your starter for ten. And I thought "God, how awful. Nobody told me about that." Cause you don't get like Grecian 2000 adverts, where the guy... put a great wallop of it down the front of the jeans.
Adverts
That's another thing I love.. it's adverts. I love the lie. I like lies on that scale, especially... cause there's nothing wrong with lies, they're faboulous things. My God, I'm a liar for a living. Take my word for it, there's no recession. I am loaded. And the Dow Jones index, I don't know who the man is. Wouldn't speak to him, if I did. So, what was I about to say? Aye, on a saturday morning, in the papers, you get these adverts for things, that they obviously can't sell. The people have gone "oh, fuck off! god no! leave it out! what?" You know, a combined cigarette lighter and coathanger or something. You know those kind of things, you know, hat and shoes that match. So, you know that kind of things, open neck flanels, bowler hat with sleeves, you know that kind of... People have sort of ideas and go "that'll take on!" And on a saturday morning they appear. "trenchcoats!" "smart trenchcoats! state size..." And there's always a drawing, there's never photographs of these... There's always a drawing of some other bloody coat, certainly not the one you're getting through the post. And it's so great I've always been tempted to send away. Especially for the Big Slipper. Have you seen the Big Slipper? I think these adverts are for people, who... that are in a section of the community, who don't go anyplace. Who watch the telly all the time. You know, well, I suppose your trenchcoat, you can watch telly in your trenchcoat, if you like. It's one big slipper, and you put your two feet in it, and you watch television. In your slipper. And each in the family can have a slipper each. I was always gonna buy two. I was gonna buy a pair, and leave them in the fireplace. When I'm going out at night, in case a burglar comes in. "my god, who lives here!" You can cheer the world up, by doing things like that.
Scotish television
A thing I havn't noticed in England, which is a very, very good thing - that is, a good thing you haven't got it. It's in Scotland they say "Well that's all from television tonight. I bid you all a very, very good night, and especially those of you who live alone." He have just reminded them. Some of them are terrifying, they say "And those of you, who live alone, don't forget to lock all... lock the windows." And stuff like that. "And make sure the flamethrower is working. and the dobermann pincher got the elastic band round the willy. Don't let it nod off." "Oh no, oh nooo.." You're sitting there.
And I've always wanted to be in charge of that bit of the program. I'd say "Especially those of you, who live alone. Who-ho-ho-ho-ho-hoo. For gods sake don't look behind you! Don't turn around!" Another one they do, they say "That's all tonight, and I hope you enjoyed the programmes, as much as we did. We also enjoyed them the first time around and... yes it's been great fun. And in the interest of safety, don't forget to switch off your tv before you go to bed. And for supersafety, take the plug out of the wall, alltogether. 'Cause the house could go on fire, and the whole family could be barbecued." And I say, all right, I must do it. If I was the guy doing that... I'd sit at the desk, going "Right, right, right, right you'd be near the telly, you'd be stretching his hand out to put it off." "LEAVE IT ALONE! Do as your told. Get back to your seat, I'm not finished."
More adverts
But these adverts. There's the Big Slipper, and "save pounds". They have a pound sign that goes down and down and down. "Save blrblrblr." [That's the s'es ???]. "Cut your own hair. with this thing." And they have this lethal looking thing, with things down each side and a handle. And of course you buy it, and you go... by golly, the minute it's three feet from your hair a big chunk falls out off the side. 'Cause hair's like that. You know... you've always... the barber's always feels the hair that's dead, as he is cutting your hair. You don't, you just see the result. But when you're actually just chucking away, pfftt, [???] it feels like a massive big lump. "Oh my god". But I'll give you a bit of advice...
(To someone in the audience:) WHERE ARE YOU GOING? Get back in your seat. Nobody leaves. OK, lock the doors. He has stolen something. Nobody leaves this building. I'll get him. Where's my bloody gun?
So if you buy that thing, and you are going into the bathroom trying it, because you don't want your family to see that you bought it. The normal thing is go "pfft, look at that." and leave it. Throw it immediately in the bin, because the time will come, when you are out with the lads, wherever you have partied, you're bit of pissed. "Yeahhh" Take a [leak???] "Oh, there's that thing. Yeahhh-hey. That'll do me. Blow yours, a doddle, look at that." Arthur Scargill!
There's another great thing. It's a... now what is... an energisuit. It's like a sleeping bag that you wear, when you are sitting in the house. It has sleeves and things. And the idea is to save energy, so you put your big suit on, and your Slipper there. And you are cutting each others hair, if the telly is boring. And there's another faboulous thing: incontinence knickers. There's always too many incontinence knickers. I think they were excpecting a sort of plague of incontinence. Maybe it was in the last budget, or something, they expected to sell a lot of pssssss. I was looking at this incontinence stuff, and I thought... I don't want to laugh at incontinent people. Right. Pfffttt. It must be terrible, right, being incontinent. You are all dressed to go out and pssssssssst. You can't buy white clothes. You can't buy grey suits, 'cause psssssss. "Jesus!" 'Cause young people are incontinent, too, it strikes at all ages. Suppose a young trendy guy "Hey. hey, you guys." (To someone in the audience again:) He's trying to sneak back to his seat. Get back. You haven't missed a thing, I was only killing time to you were back. Go on. So the guy's young and trendy, he sees the advert. "Right, that'll do me. Give us a pair of them." (Mimes putting on knickers and tying them around the waist, and under each knee.) "Like that. That's the very fellows for me. See-through plusfours. Just the job at St. Andrews on a rainy day." Just get the trendy baggy trousers on, and off to the discoteque, giving it a bit of that, y'know. "Hey, how are you doing. What is your sign? Sagittarius all right. Y'know, half man, half horse, yeah. Licensed to shit in the streets, that's good." Pssssssss. Cares not a jot. Pssssssss. (Singing) Psssssssss. (Disco dancing) "Hey, what's happening later?" Psssssss. There's seven gallons down each leg. (Walks around akwardly.) "I'll take you home in a minute. I'll just go and empty my underwear." Into the toilet, loosing the thing up. Whooosh. Thames level whishhhhh. Fulham disappears.
They are faboulous, you should read these adverts. And the energysuit, see you can wear them under the energysuit. And one of my favourites: dog bags. "Keep doghair off the furniture. This breakthrough dog bag." And it's a bag you put the dog in. And it ties round it's neck. And they've got a special bag for the budgie. "Keep feathers off the carpet." So your dog is in the bag, and you are all sitting with your Big Slipper each. Watching the telly. Unless you are a super duper family, you've one big slipper for the whole family. You've all got a Big Slipper each, and your mother says to your father "I'm just nipping out... I'm just nipping out to the toilet, why don't you put on a cup of tea?" (Hops around kangaroo-style.)
Leaving with a complaint
I'm gonna leave you, and I'm gonna leave you with a complaint. This country is in a terrible state, according to some people, and I know why. Now you'd blamed it on lot of things, on all unemployment and the value of the pound and all sorts of other magic things. It's because the national anthem is boring. No, no, don't get me wrong, I'm not arguing with the lyrics. Well, I am. But not them all. I mean, I think the Queen should be saved, I think it's a great idea. And if anybody is gonna save her, God is the very chap. Who am I to rock the boat. Not I, nice person, showbusiness personality. Is a appalling song, and it's racist, and it's anti-Scottish. The fourth verse is all about Marshal Wade coming up, to give us a belt in the mouth. And I don't like it. "And with a mighty rush, rebellious scots to crush." Oh, do you bloody think so? I don't see any rush to Hamden to crush anybody. I rest my case.
No. You see, if you have been looking at the olympic games, we come in with the flag. Daaahhh-daaahhh-daaaahhh-daaaahhh-dah-daahhhh. We are being lapped. The games haven't even started yet. Daaahhh-daaahhh-daaaahhh-daaaahhh-dah-daahhhh. The emerging nations are coming: Ra-ta-ta-da-ta-ta. "We come from Jeblovia, and we don't give a shit." "We've got a national debt of 50 squillion pounds. And we don't give a [monkey's ???]." "Gooood saaave..." All the other nations don't want us to win, cause when we win it take half an hour to get the flag up the bloody pole. "oooour graaaacious..." No wonder Daley Thompson scratched under it... Seizing up. So I think it's time for a change. And I think a refreshing change would be to use the theme from The Archers. "Dom-da-dom-da-dom-da-dom-la-la-lah-la-laah-laah...." Can you imagine it. Trooping of the colour. The Queen sitting on a horse, like that. (Highpitched) "La-la-lah-la-lah-la-lah...." And then the public in the seats go "Rom-tee-diddeley-dom-rom-tee-diddely-dom." So let's give it a bash here. On, two, three... Just think... now that's gonna be the lyrics. We are not gonna change a thing, it's gonna be. "Rom-tee-rom-tee-dom-tee-dom..." Just think, the new immigrants can learn it on the bus on the way in from Heathrow. "Rom-tee-rom-tee-dom-tee-dom..." How would you feel as a new immegrant, getting of the bus. "do you know the bloody national anthem?" "La-la-lah-la-lah-la-lah..."
So, ladies and gentlemen, thank you very much for listening to my inane drivel. It has been an absolute pleasure talking to you. You have made a happy man very old.