Twinkle, twinkle little star,
How you wonder who I am.
Way up in the sky, so low,
You're a better man than I am, oh, by Jove.
The polar bear sleeps in his little bearskin.
He sleeps very well, I am told.
Last night I slept in my little bare skin,
And I got a heck of a cold.
B.O. - Rinso white!
B.O. - Rinso white!
Pease porrage hot.
Pease porrage cold.
Pease porrage in the pot
Nine days old.
P-heew!
A bunch of the boys were hooping it up.
The Danube is green,
what's more it ain't clean.
It's green as a bean.
It ain't not serene.
And though the blueberry looks a little purple,
And though your maple syrup looks a little murkle,
Don't believe what you have heard or you have sung.
The Danube isn't blue, it's green.
Oh, the Danube is green as a glass. In the spring
It's as green as the dollar you spend on a fling.
It's as green as the paint that you put on the screen.
It's as blue as the Danube is greener than green.
The Danube isn't blue (Am I blue? No!)
The Danube has another hue (Who? Me? You!)
It's time we all came clean, (B.O.)
'Cause the Danube isn't blue, it's green.
(Instrumental - sort of)
No, John. It's best that we part, John. You have another wife, and I have another husband, and he has another wife, and she has another husband. It isn't the simplest sort of arrangement. It isn't. No, after all our years of wedded bliss, it's auf wiedersehen, John. We must think of the child. After all, we do have a child, and he has a child, and the child has another wife, and she has another husband, and he has a child, and that child, John, is our child. I must go away somewhere and figure this thing out. Auf wiedersehen, John, auf wiedersehen.
But, Mary dear, I know you have another husband, and that he has another wife, and that she has another husband, and that our own child, through marriage, is now my uncle and your sisters father on your grandmother's side, but can't we talk this over. There is still time, our divorce doesn't become final for another five minutes.
We'll talk it over some other day, John, but not today.
Why not, dear?
Today I am to be married. Bon soir, John. Prosit. Auf wiedersehen. Au revoir. Adios. Aloha.
How do you like that? She didn't even say 'goodbye'.
Yes, Igor.
Petrouschka, let us drink to your gorgeous eyes.
Yes, Igor.
Ah, Petrouschka, let us drink to your beautiful ruby-red lips.
Yes, Igor.
Petrouschka, let us drink to your...
Yes, Igor Bivor.
Ah, Petrouschka, they are playing our song.
It's a beautiful day for the race. Stu Chan is the favourite today, Assault is in there, Dog Bisquit is three to one, Safety Pin has been scratched, and at twenty to one: Feitlebaum. Now the horses are approaching the starting gate, and eh, THERE THEY GOOOOOO!
And it's Stu Chan going to the front, Cabbage is second on the rail, Beautiful Linda is third by a length, and Feitlebaum. Around the first turn Stu Chan is still in front, Cabbage is second by a head (Cabbage by a head!), Beautiful Linda is third and Feitlebaum. Into the back stretch, Dog Bisquit is now leading the pack, Lady Avalon is second, very close. Banana is coming up through the bunch (Banana coming up through the bunch!) and Feitlebaum. At the half Stu Chan still out in the front, Apartment House is second with plenty of room, Assault is passing Battery (Assault and Battery!), Notary's Old Jack is fourth, and in last place by ten lengths I believe it is, yes, it is Feitlebaum. Around the turn, heading for home, it's Stu Chan and Dog Bisquit and Girdle in the stretch. Flying Sylvester is third and Mother-In-Law nagging in the rear (Oh! Oh! Oh!). And now they come down to the wire, and it's number one and now number two and it's very close, it'll either be a photo finish or an oil painting, and now Louis speaks with the left, and Louis is in there, slugging, and it's a battle, and now they are tearing hair, there's hair all over the ring, there's hair all over the place, I don't know whose hair it is. It' mine! AND THERE GOES THE WINNERRRRRRRRR! Feitlebaum.
Hello, music lovers, this is Spike Jones inviting you to come with us to the opera house for a City Slicker performance of the opera Carmen. The conductor ascends the podium, stamps his foot for attention - and from the basement he conducts the ouverture.
As the curtain rises on act one, we see the outside of the Seville bubble gum factory. The happy bubble gum girls are singing:
Carmen enters. She is a beautiful girl who weighs 300 pounds. She is supposed to fill out the role of the soprano. She not only fills it out, she overflows it. Carmen sings of her new sweetheart, Escapillow the Toreador.
He has eyes, they're the cutest that I've ever seen.
One is blue and the other is green.
And the middle one is yellow.
When you go out and dance, does he hold you near?
No, no, no!
Well, does he whisper words of love in your ear?
No, no, no!
Does he enjoy peachypooh?
Ah ah!
What does this toreador do?
All he likes to do is throw the bull.
Does this toreador like to spark,
when he's holding you close in the dark?
No, no, no! No, no, no! No, no, no! No, no, nooooooooo! (Heeew!)
[All I know?] is all he likes to do is throw the bull.
Throw the bull?
Throw the bull!
Carmen hits a note so high that she cracks the record (click) the record (click) the record (click) the record (click) the record (click) the record
And they're off for act two.
Carmen sings the well known bravachi pizzicato poco allegro moderato from the third movement of the andante allegretto.
Exhausted she returns to her dressingroom.
While she is resting, the soldiers march into town. We hear the band in the distance.
Don Schmosé is in command.
Now I'm gonna drill my men.
Make them march from eight to ten.
I'll make them march till they sweat.
If we do, we're sure to get...
Don Schmosé sees Carmen for the first time. She is crying. The tears are running down her ears. You see, her eyes are very far apart. He feels sorry for her, and ask her to marry him, as he sings:
As he sings:
Ahem, I said: As He Sings:
NOW, YOU BONEHEAD!
I can not marry you, my Don,
'Cause I'm in love with another one.
He fights the bull in the arena.
I could do that if I ate Farina.
Oh, no, you couldn't.
Oh, yes, I could.
Oh, no, you couldn't.
Oh, yes, I could.
Oh, no, you couldn't.
Oh, yes, I could.
Oh, no, you couldn't.
Oh, yes, I could.
The toreador's for me!
Oh, no, that cannot be!
The toreador's for meeeee!
Oh, no, that cannot beeeee!
The toreador's for me [??? ??? ??? ???] I love him so!
Oh, no, eeeev eeeev (cough)
She's right, Schmosé, the toreador's for her.
The curtain goes up for act three.
Aaaahhh.
Oops, pulled it up too soon.
Anyway, Carmen goes to the gypsy camp, to have her fortune told.
The gypsy band finishes playing, and all the gypsies take off their earmuffs.
Carmen finds an old gypsy, and asks him to tell her fortune. She wants to know, whos she's going to marry,
Don Schmosé or Escapillow.
This might sound odd and quite ridiculous,
be careful with my palm, I'm ticklish.
That does sound odd and quite ridiculous.
Oh, yes, it's true, I'm very ticklish.
I'm very very very very ticklish.
I see by... Hahahahahaa.
Then you will...
You soon will... Hahahahahaa.
And you'll have... Hahahhahahaa.
Or maybe even four or five.
And he'll be... Hahahahahaa.
Then what will... Hahahahahaa.
It's really great to be alive.
What did I... Heeheeheeheeheee.
When will I... Heheheheheee.
Or will he... Hahahahahaaa.
You know something, you're ticklish, too.
Hahaha Haa. Hahahahahaa.
Heeheehee Heeheee. Hahahahahaa.
Hehehe He he he. Hahahahahaa.
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha haaa.
Ha ha ha heeheeheeheeee.
Ha ha ha heeheeheeheeee.
Ho ho ho teeheeheeheeee.
Ha ha ha teeheeheeheeee.
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha haaa.
Ho hohohoho teeheeheeheeee.
Hahahaha teeheeheeheeee.
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha haaa.
Ha ha ha hahaha ha ha ha hahaha ha ha ha hahaha ha ha ha hahaha ha.
Act three ends. Carmen exits to cure her hiccups, and the curtain comes down.
Unfortunately it misses her.
Carmen doesn't know which one to marry, Escapillow or Don Schmosé, so she writes a letter on her typewriter to Escapillow the Toreador, telling him of her plan.
Don Schmosé will dress up so,
he'll be the bull you'll try to throw.
With the winner I'll spend my life,
the loser gets some other wife.
The finale takes place in a bullfighting arena. In one corner we have Escapillow the Toreador, weighing 240 pounds. In the other corner Don Schmosé, dressed up as the bull, weighing 32 pounds.
And there's the bell for the first round.
Don Schmosé goes back to his dressingroom. He decides to double-cross Escapillow by sending in a real bull, but Don Schmosé is nearsighted, and instead he sends in a cow.
And there's the bell for round two.
Escapillow drowns in the milk. He dies a grade A death.
Don Schmosé wins Carmen, and as the final curtain comes down, they each put a piece of bubble gum in their mouths, and we see them chewing their way off into the distance.
Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen. This is Doodles Weaver in the pressbox in Indianapolis for the races out here. It is a beautiful day for the races, not a cloud in the sky. A hundred and fifty thousand people are waiting for this great event, and what a spectacle, what a wonderful spectacle. I'll describe the whole thing now. The boys are coming round the turn, and I believe it is a perfect sight, as they come down here. The green flag waves, the starter says OK, and THERE THEY GOOOOOO!
It's car number 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, jack. Jack? Hit me again dealer. Number 10 has taken a lead around the park turn there he goes. Number 13, 16, 17, green car, blue car, the first car by the turn will be number 10. Here he comes down the straight-away at a 135 miles per hour, (voom) there he goes now, car number 3, (voom) 4, (voom) 5. A wreck! A wreck in the park turn, a man skidding around, out of control, up to the fence, down to the fence, unless he's careful, he's going to hit the fence, please don't hit that fence. (bang) He hit it. Ladies and gentlemen, there's been a very slight accident in the park turn involving 35 cars. I've have my assistent Pootwaddle on the track with a travelling microphone. I'm going to have him cross to that driver who's being taken away, but be careful.
I'm down on the track now, and as I cross the track, I... (voom) Number 3 went by there, as I cross the track.. (voom)... 4 went by there, well I...(voom) I'm having a little trouble getting across the...(voom)...track. Here's the driver of that car. Say a few words driver, so everbody will know that you're perfectly okay.
Aaaaaiiaaauuu!
You just heard the driver of that car. He's all right. Finish the race, please (whoop).
Ladies and gentlemen, This is Doodles Weaver back in the stand for the finish of the race. For you people who have tuned in late, number 30 just sat a record. (voom) There he goes now, passing everybody. Every eye glued on that car, looks very funny with all those eyes glued on it. Here he goes, (voom) there he goes again. Look at that boy drive. (voom) Look at him go, he's really going. (voom) There he goes again. Look out. (voom, voom) He went by twice. And here's a little midget. A little midget racer doing well. Look at that little midget there. (zip) The little midget racer went by (voom) 9 (voom) 12 (roar). A P-38, how did that get in the race? And (voom) 12 (voom ) 9. And the best man is number 13, around the turn, down to the green flag. He's coming down here for a [???] perfect finish down here. And I believe he's going to be the winner, the crowd is going mad as he comes down. THERE GOES THE WINNERRRRRRRRR!
Feitlebaum.
When the night falls silently
The night falls silently
On forests dreaming
Lovers wander forth to see
They wander forth to see
The bright stars gleaming
And lest they should loose their way
Lest they should loose their way
The glow worms nightly
Light their tiny lanterns gay
Their tiny lanterns gay
And twinkle brightly
Here and there and everywhere
Through mossy dale and hollow
Hollow, hollow (Hello there, old gal, how are ya)
Floating, gliding through the air
They call on us to follow
Shine, little glow worm, glimmer
Shine, little glow worm, glimmer
Lead us, lest too far we wander
Lovesick boy is calling yonder
Shine, little glow worm, glimmer
Shine, little glow worm, glimmer
Life's the path (below - you take it, girl) Above
And lead us on till dawn
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
(Turn the page you fathead)
And lead us on to love
In dreams I kiss your hand, Madame,
Your dainty fingertips,
And while in slumberland, Madame,
I'm begging for your lips.
I havn't any right, Madame,
To do those things I do.
Just when I hold you tight, Madame,
You vanish with the night, Madame.
In dreams I kiss your hand, Madame,
And pray my dreams come true.
In (sound) I (sound) your (sound), Madame,
Your (sound) finger(sound),
And (sound) in (sound), Madame,
I'm (sound) for your (sound).
I (sound) any (sound), Madame,
To (sound) the things I (sound).
Just (sound) I hold you (sound), Madame,
You (sound) with the (sound), Madame.
In dreams I kiss your hand, Madame,
'Cause I can't stand your breath!
Can it be the spring
That seems to bring
The moonlight into my room
Oh, no, it isn't the spring
It's love in bloom
My heart was the vessel
You planted the seed
And this is the flower
This are the sweet fulfillment
Is it all a dream
This joy supreme
That comes to me in the gloom
Oh, no it isn't a dream
It's love in bloom
Oh, no, it isn't a dream
It's...
Oh, no, it isn't a dream
It's...
Oh, no, it isn't a dream
It's...
(Mostly instrumental)
(Instrumental)
As the sun pulls away from the shore, and our boat sinks slowly in the west,
we approach the island of Lu-Lu (sproing) -
spelled backwards: (sproing) Ul-Ul.
Ah, in the distance we hear Spike Jones and his Wacky Wakakians.
He, he. I...I just put that in there because I...I I thought it was kind of cute, besides that, my mother is in the audience.
I'm in the mood for love,
simply because you're near me.
Ah, oh. Oh, Mr. Electrician there, that...that spotlight is too bright. My eyes, I can't see the music. Thank you very much, Sir.
Heaven is in your eyes.
Oh, Oh, Sir, I...I told you, that spotlight is too bright. I can't see the music. (Bang! Smash!) I warned him, didn't I?
Why stop to think of weather?
No, George, no, George.
Our little dream might fade.
Ah, clever boy. He's relly torched.
We put our hearts together.
Now we are..
George, George, you are not playing. Mother's in the audience, George. George. George, stop it, George. George! She's my mother, too.
If there's a cloud above,
If it should rain, we're ready.
But for tonight (Sneeze) forget it. (Sneeze sneeze)
But for tonight (Sneeze) forget it. (Sneeze sneeze sneeze)
Forget it, George, you are blowing out the candles.
I'm in the mood for love.
That old black magic has me in its spell
The old black magic that you weave so well.
Those icy fingers up and down my spine.
That same old witchcraft when your eyes meet mine.
That same old tingle that I feel inside
And then that elevator starts its ride.
Down and down I go.
Round and round I go.
Like a leaf that's caught in the tide.
I stay away. Oh what can I do?
I hear your name and I'm aflame.
A flame with such a burning desire
That only your kiss can put out the fire.
For you're the lover I've been waiting for.
The mate that fate had me created for.
And every time your lips meet mine
Darling down and down I go.
Round and round I go.
In a spin, loving the spin I'm in,
Under that old black magic called love.
| BACK to Main Index |