Episode Ten

Walk-on part in sketch
Bank robber (lingerie shop)
Arthur Tree
Vocational Guidance Counseller (chartered accountant)
The first man to jump the Channel
Tunnelling from Godalming to Java
Pet conversions
Gorilla librarian
Letters to 'Daily Mirror'
Strangers in the night

Colour code: John Cleese - Michael Palin - Eric Idle - Graham Chapman - Terry Jones - Terry Gilliam - Carol Cleveland

Boring old 'It's' man hanging from a meat-hook.
It's Man It's...
Voice Over (and CAPTION:)
Animated titles as per usual.
Lingerie shop set. Assistant standing waiting behind counter. At the side the robber also stands waiting. They hum to themselves and waste time, looking at wrist watches, this takes about fifteen seconds.
Cut to letter on BBC stationary. The camera pulls back to show a grotty little man reading the letter and sitting at a breakfast table in a small kitchen. His wife is busying herself in wifelike activities.
Man Ooh. Ooh.
Wife Oh, what is it dear?
Man It's from the BBC. They want to know if I want to be in a sketch on telly.
Wife Oooh. That's nice.
Man What? It's acting innit?
Wife Yes.
Man Well I'm a plumber. I can't act.
Wife Oh, you never know till you try. Look at Mrs Brando's son next door. He was mending the fridge when they came and asked him to be the Wild One. What do they want you to do?
Man Well, they just want me to stand at a counter, and when the sketch starts I go out.
Wife Oh, that sounds nice. It's what they call a walk-on.
Man Walk-on? That's a walk-off, that's what this is.
Cut to lingerie shop; assistant and robber still hanging around waiting. A few seconds of this. Floor manager walks on.
Robber (quietly) Well, where is he, George?
Floor Manager I don't know, he should have been here hours ago.
Robber He bloody should have been.
Cut back to grotty kitchen..
Wife Well what else does it say?
Man It just says 'We would like you to be in a sketch. You are standing at a counter. When the sketch starts you go off. Yours faithfully, Lord Hill.'
Wife Oh well, you'd better be off then.
Man Yeah, well, what about the cat?
Wife Oh I'll look after the cat. Goodness me, Mrs Newman's eldest never worried about the cat when he went off to do 'The Sweet Bird of Youth'.
Man All right then, all right. Bye. Bye dear.
Wife Bye bye, and mind you don't get seduced.
Man leaves, wife stands for a moment, then...
Wife Oh, it'll make a change from plumbing. Dad! Frank's got a television part.
She turns on the TV set. On the TV comes the picture of the assistant and the robber and floor manager waiting in the lingerie shop. After a second or two a man is brought in and introduced to floor manager, who positions him and cues him. The man walks out.
Wife You missed him.
Cut back to shop, the robber walks in and points gun at the assistant.
Robber Good morning, I am a bank robber. Er, please don't panic, just hand over all your money.
Assistant (politely) This is a lingerie shop, sir.
Robber Fine, fine, fine. (slightly nonplussed) Adopt, adapt and improve. Motto of the round table. Well, um ... what have you got?
Assistant (still politely) Er, we've got corsets, stockings, suspender belts, tights, bras, slips, petticoats, knickers, socks and garters, sir.
Robber Fine, fine, fine, fine. No large piles of money in safes?
Assistant No, sir.
Robber No deposit accounts?
Assistant No sir.
Robber No piles of cash in easy to carry bags?
Assistant None at all sir.
Robber No luncheon vouchers?
Assistant No, sir.
Robber Fine, fine. Well, um... adopt, adapt and improve. Just a pair of knickers then please.
Cut to effeminate announcer sittin at continuity desk. Any resemblance to Mel Oxley should be accidental. His name is David Unction.
Unction Well that was a bit of fun wasn't it. Ha, ha, ha. And a special good evening to you. Not just an ordinary good evening like you get from all the other announcers, but a special good evening from me (holds up card saying 'David Unction') to you. Well, what have we got next? This is fun isn't it. Look, I'm sorry if I'm interrupting anything that any of you may be doing at home, but I want you to think of me as an old queen. Friend, ha, ha, ha. Well, let's see what we've got next. In a few moments 'It's A Tree' and in the chair as usual is Arthur Tree, and starring in the show will be a host of star guests as his star guests. And then at 9.30 we've got another rollocking half hour of laughter-packed squalor with 'Yes it's the Sewage Farm Attendants'. And this week Dan falls into a vat of human dung with hilarious consequences. Ha, ha, ha. But now it's the glittering world of show business with Arthur Tree...


Stock film. Quick cuts. Plane arriving at night. Showbiz lights. Film premières. Audience applauding. Cut to studio: a tree sitting in a middle chair in David Frost type intreview set. Zoom in on tree which has a mouth which moves.
Tree Hello. Hello people, and welcome to 'It's a Tree'. We have some really exiting guests for you this evening. A fabulous spruce, back from a tour of Holland, three gum trees making their first appearance in this country, scots pine and the conifers, and Elm Tree Bole - there you go, can't be bad - an exiting new American plank, a rainforest and a bucket of sawdust giving their views on teenage violence, and an unusual guest for this programme, a piece of laminated plastic.
Shot of piece of laminated plastic with mouth.
Plastic Hi there!
Tree But first, will you please, please welcome - a block of wood.
Shot of large block four feet cube, with a mouth, on the chair next to Tree.
Shot of a forest with the sound of applause over.
Tree Well, er, thanks Tree. I've got to pay the rent.
They both laugh. Shot of forest laughing.
Tree Ha, ha, ha, ha, super. Well, what have you been doing, Block?
Block Well I've just been starring in several major multi-million dollar international films, and, during breaks on the set, I've been designing a Cathedral, doing wonderful unpublicized work for charity, er, finishing my history of the world, of course, pulling the birds, er, photographing royalty on the loo, averting World War Three - can't be bad - and, er learning to read.
Tree The full Renaissance bit, really...super, super. Well I've got to stop you there Block I'm afraid, because we've got someone who's been doing cabaret in the New Forest. From America, will you welcome please a Chippendale writing desk.
ANIMATION: a Chippendale desk.
Chip Thank you Mr Tree. And I'd like to do a few impressions of some of my favourite Englishmen. First off. Long John Silver. (suitable animation) Augh, Jim boy. Augh. And now Edward Heath. Hello sailor. Now a short scene from a play by Harold Splinter. (a huge hammer smashes it)

Animated compère:

Compère Wasn't that just great, ladies and gentlemen, wait a minute we've got something else I just know you're going to love. (fanfares) Yes sir, coming right up - the Vocational Guidance Counsellor Sketch. (more fanfares)
Animation film into Vocational Guidance Counsellor sketch.
Voices Singing Vocational guidance counsellor ... vocational guidance counsellor ... vocational guidance counsellor ... etc.
Office set. Man sitting at desk. Mr Anchovy is standing waiting. The counsellor looks at his watch then starts the sketch.
Counsellor Ah Mr Anchovy. Do sit down.
Anchovy Thank you. Take the weight off the feet, eh?
Counsellor Yes, yes.
Anchovy Lovely weather for the time of year, I must say.
Counsellor Enough of this gay banter. And now Mr Anchovy, you asked us to advise you which job in life you were best suited for.
Anchovy That is correct, yes.
Counsellor Well I now have the results here of the interviews and the aptitude tests that you took last week, and from them we've built up a pretty clear picture of the sort of person that you are. And I think I can say, without fear of contradiction, that the ideal job for you is chartered accountancy.
Anchovy But I am a chartered accountant.
Counsellor Jolly good. Well back to the office with you then.
Anchovy No! No! No! You don't understand. I've been a chartered accountant for the last twenty years. I want a new job. Something exciting that will let me live.
Counsellor Well chartered accountancy is rather exciting isn't it?
Anchovy Exciting? No it's not. It's dull. Dull. Dull. My God it's dull, it's so desperately dull and tedious and stuffy and boring and des-per-ate-ly DULL.
Counsellor Well, er, yes Mr Anchovy, but you see your report here says that you are an extremely dull person. You see, our experts describe you as an appallingly dull fellow, unimaginative, timid, lacking in initiative, spineless, easily dominated, no sense of humour, tedious company and irrepressibly drab and awful. And whereas in most professions these would be considerable drawbacks, in chartered accountancy they are a positive boon.
Anchovy But don't you see, I came here to find a new job, a new life, a new meaning to my existence. Can't you help me?
Counsellor Well, do you have any idea of what you want to do?
Anchovy Yes, yes I have.
Counsellor What?
Anchovy (boldly) Lion taming.
Counsellor Well yes. Yes. Of course, it's a bit of a jump isn't it? I mean, er, chartered accountancy to lion taming in one go. You don't think it might be better if you worked your way towards lion taming, say, via banking?
Anchovy No, no, no, no. No. I don't want to wait. At nine o'clock tomorrow I want to be in there, taming.
Counsellor Fine, fine. But do you, do you have any qualifications?
Anchovy Yes, I've got a hat.
Counsellor A hat?
Anchovy Yes, a hat. A lion taming hat. A hat with 'lion tamer' on it. I got it at Harrods. And it lights up saying 'lion tamer' in great big neon letters, so that you can tame them after dark when they're less stroppy.
Counsellor I see, I see.
Anchovy And you can switch it off during the day time, and claim reasonable wear and tear as allowable professional expenses under paragraph 335C...
Counsellor Yes, yes, yes, I do follow, Mr Anchovy, but you see the snag is... if I now call Mr Chipperfield and say to him, 'look here, I've got a forty-five-year-old chartered accountant with me who wants to become a lion tamer', his first question is not going to be 'does he have his own hat?' He's going to ask what sort of experience you've had with lions.
Anchovy Well I ... I've seen them at the zoo.
Counsellor Good, good, good.
Anchovy Lively brown furry things with short stumpy legs and great long noses. I don't know what all the fuss is about, I could tame one of those. They look pretty tame to start with.
Counsellor And these, er, these lions ... how high are they?
Anchovy (indicating a height of one foot) Well they're about so high, you know. They don't frighten me at all.
Counsellor Really. And do these lions eat ants?
Anchovy Yes, that's right.
Counsellor Er, well, Mr Anchovy ... I'm afraid what you've got hold of there is an anteater.
Anchovy A what?
Counsellor An anteater. Not a lion. You see a lion is a huge savage beast, about five feet high, ten feet long, weighing about four hundred pounds, running forty miles per hour, with masses of sharp pointed teeth and nasty long razor-sharp claws that can rip your belly open before you can say 'Eric Robinson', and they look like this.
The counsellor produces large picture of a lion and shows to Mr Anchovy who screams and passes out.
Counsellor Time enough I think for a piece of wood.


Picture of a tree.
Voice Over The larch.
Cut back to office: Mr Anchovy sits up with a start.
Counsellor Now, shall I call Mr Chipperfield?
Anchovy Er, no, no, no. I think your idea of making the transition to lion taming via easy stages, say via insurance...
Counsellor Or banking.
Anchovy Or banking, yes, yes, banking that's a man's life, isn't it? Banking, travel, excitement, adventure, thrills, decisions affecting people's lives.
Counsellor Jolly good, well, er, shall I put you in touch with a bank?
Anchovy Yes.
Counsellor Fine.
Anchovy Er... no, no, no. Look, er, it's a big decision, I'd like a couple of weeks to think about it... er... you know, don't want to jump into it too quickly. Maybe three weeks. I could let you know definitely then, I just don't want to make this definite decision. I'm er... (continues muttering nervously to himsel)
Counsellor (turning to camera) Well this is just one of the all too many cases on our books of chartered accountancy. The only way that we can fight this terrible debilitating social disease, is by informing the general public of its consequences, by showing young people that it's just not worth it. So, so please... give generously... to this address: The League for Fighting Chartered Accountancy, 55 Lincoln House, Basil Street, London, SW3.
CAPTION: gives address.
Cut back to David Unction reading 'Physique' magazine. He puts it into brown paper bag.
Unction Oh, well that was fun wasn't it?
Cut to helmeted Viking.
Viking No it wasn't, you fairy.
Cut back to Unction.
Unction (sarcastically) Oh, hello sailor,
Cut to Viking.
Viking Here, you wouldn't have got on one of our voyages - they were all dead butch.
Cut to Unction.
Unction (camply) Oh that's not what I've heard.
Cut to the sea. Pan to show Ron Obvious running along beach.
Voice Over There is an epic quality about the sea which has throughout history stirred the hearts and minds of Englishmen of all nations. Sir Francis Drake, Captain Webb, Nelson of Trafalgar and Scott of the Antartic - all rose to the challenge of the mighty ocean. And today another Englishman may add his name to the golden roll of history: Mr Ron Obvious of Neaps End. For today, Ron Obvious hopes to be the first man to jump the Channel.
Ron runs up to group of cheering supporters. An interviewer addresses him.
Interviewer Ron, now let's just get this quite clear - you're intending to jump across the English Channel?
Ron Oh yes, that is correct, yes.
Interviewer And, er, just how far is that?
Ron Oh, well it's twenty-six miles from here to Calais.
Interviewer Er, that's to the beach at Calais?
Ron Well, no, no, provided I get a good lift off and maybe a gust of breeze over the French coast, I shall be jumping into the centre of Calais itself.
Brief shot of group of Frenchmen with banner. 'Fin de Cross-Channel jump'.
Interviewer Ron are you using any special techniques to jump this great distance?
Ron Oh no, no. I shall be using an ordinary two-footed jump, er, straight up in the air and across the Channel.
Interviewer I see. Er, Ron, what is the furthest distance that you've jumped, er, so far?
Ron Er, oh, eleven foot six inches at Motspur Park on July 22nd. Er, but I have done nearly twelve feet unofficially.
Ron breaks off to make training-type movements.
Interviewer I see. Er, Ron, Ron, Ron, aren't you worried Ron, aren't you worried jumping twenty-six miles across the sea?
Ron Oh, well no, no, no, no. It is in fact easier to jump over sea than over dry land.
Interviewer Well how is that?
Ron Er, well my manager explained it to me. You see if you're five miles out over the English Channel, with nothing but sea underneath you, er, there is a very great impetus to say in the air.
Interviewer I see. Well, er, thank you very much Ron and the very best of luck.
Ron Thank you. Thank you.
Interviewer (to camera) The man behind Ron's cross-Channel jump is his manager Mr Luigi Vercotti. (turns to speak to Vercotti, who has a Mafia suit and dark glasses) Mr Vercotti, er Mr Vercotti ... Mr Vercotti...
Mr Vercotti What? (mumbles protestations of innocence) I don't know what you're talking about.
Interviewer Er, no, we're from the BBC, Mr Vercotti.
Mr Vercotti Who?
Interviewer The BBC.
Mr Vercotti Oh, oh. I see. I thought, I thought you were the er . .. I like the police a lot, I've got a lot of time for them.
Interviewer Mr, er, Mr Vercotti, what is your chief task as Ron's manager?
Mr Vercotti Well my main task is, er, to fix a sponsor for the big jump.
Interviewer And who is the sponsor?
Mr Vercotti The Chippenham Brick Company. Ah, they, er, pay all the bills, er, in return for which Ron will be carrying half a hundredweight of their bricks.
We see a passport officer checking Ron's passport.
Interviewer I see. Well, er, it looks as if Ron is ready now. He's got the bricks. He's had his passport checked and he's all set to go. And he's off on the first ever cross-Channel jump. (Ron runs down the beach and jumps; he lands about four feet into the water) Will Ron be trying the cross-Channel jump again soon?
Mr Vercotti No. No. I'm taking him off the jumps. Er, because I've got something lined up for Ron next week that I think is very much more up his street.
Interviewer Er, what's that?
Mr Vercotti Er, Ron is going to eat Chichester Cathedral.
Cut to Chichester Cathedral. Ron walks up to it, brushing his teeth.
Interviewer Well, there he goes, Ron Obvious of Neaps End, in an attempt which could make him the first man ever to eat an entire Anglican Cathedral.
Ron takes a hefty bite at a buttress, screams and clutches his mouth. Cut to countryside: a map, and a banner saying 'Tunnelling to Java'. Interviewer and Vercotti walk up to map.
Mr Vercotti Well, er, I think, David, this is something which Ron and myself are really keen on. Ron is going to tunnel from Godalming here to Java here. (indicates inaccurately on map)
Interviewer Java.
Mr Vercotti Yeah, er, I, I personally think this is going to make Ron a household name overnight.
Interviewer And how far has he got?
Mr Vercotti Er, well, he's quite far now, Dave, well on the way. Well on the way, yeah.
Interviewer Well where is he exactly?
Mr Vercotti Yeah.
Interviewer Where?
Mr Vercotti Oh, er, well, er, you know, it's difficult to say exactly. He's er, you know, in the area of er, Ron, how far have you got?
Ron (emerging from hole) Oh about two foot six Mr Vercotti.
Mr Vercotti Yeah well keep digging lad, keep digging.
Ron Mr Vercotti are you sure there isn't a spade?
Cut to interviewer and Vercotti by railway track.
Interviewer Er, Mr Verccotti, what do you say to people who accuse you of exploiting Ron for your own purposes?
Mr Vercotti Well, it's totally untrue, David. Ever since I left Sicily I've been trying to do the best for Ron. I know what Ron wants to do, I believe in him and I'm just trying to create the opportunities for Ron to do the kind of things he wants to do.
Interviewer And what's he going to do today?
Mr Vercotti He's going to split a railway carriage with his nose. (screams off)
Cut to a hillside; Vercotti, interviewer, and in the background a banner: 'Running to Mercury'.
Mr Vercotti The only difficult bit for Ron is getting out of the Earth's atmosphere. Er, once he's in orbit he'll be able to run straight to Mercury.
A heavily bandaged Ron leaps off starting platform: freeze frame. Scream. Cut to a tombstone: 'Ron Obvious 1941-1969 - very talented', Pull back to show Vercotti.
Mr Vercotti I am now extremely hopeful that Ron will break the world record for remaining underground. He's a wonderful boy this, he's got this really enormous talent, this really huge talent.
Over the last shot of graveyard and wind whistling, we hear two ladies' voices.
First Lady Oh that was a bit sad, wasn't it?
Second Lady Shh. It's satire.
First Lady No it isn't. This is zany madcap humour.
Second Lady Oh is it?
Cut to a pet shop.


Man enters shop and approaches shopkeeper at counter.
Man Good morning, I'd like to buy a cat.
Shopkeeper Certainly sir. I've got a lovely terrier. (indicates a box on the counter
Man (glancing in box) No, I want a cat really.
Shopkeeper (taking box off counter and then putting it back on counter as if it is a different box) Oh yeah, how about that?
Man (looking in box) No, that's the terrier.
Shopkeeper Well, it's as near as dammit.
Man Well what do you mean? I want a cat.
Shopkeeper Listen, tell you what. I'll file its legs down a bit, take its snout out, stick a few wires through its cheeks. There you are, a lovely pussy cat.
Man Its not a proper cat.
Shopkeeper What do you mean?
Man Well it wouldn't meow.
Shopkeeper Well it would howl a bit.
Man No, no, no, no. Er, have you got a parrot?
Shopkeeper No, I'm afraid not actually guv, we're fresh out of parrots. I'll tell you what though ... I'll lop its back legs off, make good, strip the fur, stick a couple of wings on and staple on a beak of your own choice. (taking small box and rattling it) No problem. Lovely parrot.
Man How long would that take?
Shopkeeper Oh, let me see ... er, stripping the fur off, no legs ... (calling) Harry ... can you do a parrot job on this terrier straight away?
Harry (off-screen) No, I'm still putting a tuck in the Airedale, and then I got the frogs to let out.
Shopkeeper Friday?
Man No I need it for tomorrow. It's a present.
Shopkeeper Oh dear, it's a long job. You see parrot conversion ... Tell you what though, for free, terriers make lovely fish. I mean I could do that for you straight away. Legs off, fins on, stick a little pipe through the back of its neck so it can breathe, bit of gold paint, make good ...
Man You'd need a very big tank.
Shopkeeper It's a great conversation piece.
Man Yes, all right, all right ... but, uh, only if I can watch.
Vox pops.
Pearson Oh, I thought that was a bit predictable.
Man It's been done before
Roman Centurion Yeah, we did it for Caesar's Christmas Show.
Caesar No you didn't, you did Jack and the Beanstalk.
Cut to interview room in town hall: tweedy colonel type chairman; next to him are a vicar and a lady with a pince-nez. The chairman is holding up the picture of Caesar. As the camera pulls out he rather obviously throws it away.
Vicar Here what was that picture?
Chairman Ssh! Next! (a gorilla enters) Good morning - Mr Phipps?
Gorilla That's right, yes.
Chairman Er, do take a seat.
Gorilla Right sir. (sits)
Chairman Now could you tell us roughly why you want to become a librarian?
Gorilla Er, well, I've had a certain amount of experience running a library at school.
Chairman Yes, yes. What sort of experience?
Gorilla Er, well for a time I ran the Upper Science Library.
Chairman Yes, yes. Now Mr Phipps, you do realize that the post of librarian carries with it certain very important responsibilities. I mean, there's the selection of books, the record library, and the art gallery. Now it seems to me that your greatest disadvantage is your lack of professional experience ... coupled with the fact that, uh, being a gorilla, you would tend to frighten people.
Vicar (aside) Is he a gorilla?
Chairman Yes he is.
Vicar Well why didn't it say on his form that he's a gorilla?
Chairman Well, you see applicants are not required to fill in their species.
Vicar What was that picture?
Chairman Sh! ... Mr Phipps, what is your attitude toward censorship in a public library?
Gorilla How do you mean, sir?
Vicar Well I mean for instance, would you for instance stock 'Last Exit to Brooklyn'... or ... 'Groupie'?
Gorilla Yes, I think so.
Vicar Good.
Chairman Yes, well, that seems to me to be very sensible Mr Phipps. I can't pretend that this library hasn't had its difficulties ... Mr Robertson, your predecessor, an excellent librarian, savaged three people last week and had to be destroyed.
Gorilla I'm sorry sir.
Chairman Oh, no, don't be sorry. You see, I don't believe that libraries should be drab places where people sit in silence, and that's been the main reason for our policy of employing wild animals as librarians.
Vicar And also, they're much more permissive. Pumas keep Hank Janson on open shelves...
Chairman Yes. Yes. Yes. (a maniacal look in his eyes) Yes, yes Mr Phipps. I love seeing the customers when they come in to complain about some book being damaged, and ask to see the chief librarian and then ... you should see their faces when the proud beast leaps from his tiny office, snatches the book from their hands and sinks his fangs into their soft er ... (collects himself) Mr Phipps ... Kong! You can be our next librarian - you're proud, majestic and fierce enough ... will you do it?
Gorilla I ... don't think I can sir.
Vicar Why not?
Gorilla I.. I'm not really a gorilla.
Vicar Eh?
Gorilla I'm a librarian in a skin.
Chairman Why this deception?
Gorilla Well, they said it was the best way to get the job.
Chairman Get out, Mr Librarian Phipps, seeing as you're not a gorilla, but only dressed up as one, trying to deceive us in order to further your career ... (gorilla leaves) Next. (a dog comes in) Ah. Mr Pattinson ... Sit!
Cut to angry letters.
Voice Over (reads) Dear Mirror View, I would like to be paid five guineas for saying something stupid about a television show. Yours sincerely, Mrs Sybil Agro.
Voice Over Dear David Jacobs, East Grinstead, Friday. Why should I have to pay sixty-four guineas each year for my television licence when I can buy one for six. Yours sincerely, Captain R. H. Pretty. PS Support Rhodesia, cut motor taxes, save the Argylls, running-in please pass.
Voice Over Dear Old Codgers, some friends of mine and I have formed a consortium, and working with sophisticated drilling equipment, we have discovered extensive nickel deposits off Western Scotland. The Cincinnatti Mining Company.
Voices Over Good for you, ma'am.
Voice Over Dear Old Codgers, I am President of the United States of America, Yours truly, R. M. Nixon.
Voices Over Phew! Bet that's a job and a half, ma'am.
Voice Over Dear Sir, I am over three thousand years old and would like to see any scene with two people in bed.
Voices Over Bet that's a link ma'am.
Cut to bedroom of a middle-aged, middle-class wealthy couple. It is dark. They are both lying fast asleep on their backs. The husband is a colonel type with a moustache. The wife has her hair in curlers and face cream on. Someone climbs in through the window and pads across to the wife. He is a dapper little Frenchman in a beret and carrying a fench loaf. He kisses her on the forehead. She wakes.
Maurice Vera ... Vera ... darling! Wake up my little lemon. Come to my arms.
Vera Maurice! What are you doing here?
Maurice I could not keep away from you. I must have you all the time.
Vera Oh this is most inconvenient.
Maurice Don't talk to me about convenience, love consumes my naughty mind, I'm delirious with desire.
He kisses her hand repeatedly. The husband wakes up with a start, sits bolt upright and looks straight ahead.
Husband What's that, Vera?
Vera Oh nothing, dear. Just a trick of the light.
Husband Righto. (he goes straight to sleep again)
Vera Phew! That was close.
Maurice Now then my little banana, my little fruit salad, I can wait for you no longer. You must be mine utterly...
Vera Oh, Maurice!
Suddenly beside them appears a young public-school man in a check suit with a pipe.
Roger Vera! How dare you!
Vera Roger!
Roger What's the meaning of this?
Vera Oh I can explain everything, my darling!
Roger Who is this?
Vera This is Maurice Zatapathique ... Roger Thompson ... Roger Thompsnn ... Maurice Zatapathique.
Maurice How do you do.
Roger How do you do ... (kneeling) How could you do this to me, Vera ... after all we've been through? Dammit, I love you.
Maurice Vera! Don't you understand, it's me that loves you.
The husband wakes up again.
Husband What's happening, Vera?
Vera Oh, nothing dear. Just a twig brushing against the window.
Husband Righto. (he goes back to sleep)
Roger Come to me Vera!
Vera Oh ... not now, Roger.
Maurice Vera, my little hedgehog! Don't turn me away!
Vera Oh it cannot be, Maurice.
Enter Biggles. He wears flying boots, jacket and helmet as for First World War. He has a notice round his neck: 'Biggles'.
Biggles Hands off, you filthy bally froggie! (kneels by the bed)
Vera Oh Ken, Ken Biggles!
Biggles Yes, Algy's here as well.
Vera Algy Braithwaite?
Into the light comes Algy. Tears streaming down his face. He wears a notice round his neck which reads: Algy's here as well.
(Ian Davidson)
That's right... Vera ... (he chokes back the tears) Oh God you know we both still bally love you.
Vera Oh Biggles! Algy. Oh, but how wonderful!
She starts to cry. Husband wakes up again.
Husband What's happening, Vera?
Vera Oh, er, nothing dear. It's just the toilet filling up.
Husband Righto. (he goes fast asleep again)
By this stage all the men have pulled up chairs in a circle around Vera's side of the bed. They are all chatting amongst themselves. Biggles is holding her hand. Maurice has produced a bottle of vin ordinaire. At this moment four Mexican musicans appear on the husband's side of the bed. The leader of the band nudges the husband, who wakes.
Mexican (reading from a scruffy bit of paper) Scusey... you tell me where is ... Mrs Vera Jackson ... please.
Husband Yes ... right and right again.
Mexican Muchas gracias...
Husband Righto.
He immediately goes back to sleep again. The Mexicans all troop round the bed and enter the group. The leader conducts them and they start up a little conga . . . once they've started he turns and comes over to Vera with a naughty glint in his eye. They play a guitar, a trumpet and maracas.
Mexican Oh Vera ... you remember Acapulco in the Springtime ...
Vera Oh. The Herman Rodrigues Four!
Suddenly the husband wakes up.
Husband Vera! (there is immediate silence) I distinctly heard a Mexican rhythm combo.
Vera Oh no, dear... it was just the electric blanket switching off.
Husband Hm. Well I'm going for a tinkle.
He gets out of bed and disappears into the gloom.
Vera Oh no you can't do that. Here, we haven't finished the sketch yet!
Algy Dash it all, there's only another bally page.
Roger I say. There's no one to react to.
Maurice Don't talk to the camera.
Roger Oh sorry.
Enter a huge man dressed as an Aztec god. He stretches arms open wide and is about to speak when owing to lack of money he is cut short by Vera.
Vera Here it's no good you coming in ... He's gone and left the sketch.
Biggles Yes, he went for a tinkle.
Cut to close-up of husband and a dolly bird with a lavatory chain hanging between them. She is about to pull the chain when he stops her.
Husband Sh! I think my wife is beginning to suspect something...
Cut to animation of various strange and wonderful creatures saying to the effect:
Hartebeeste I thought that ending was a bit predictable.
Crocodile (eating it) Yes indeed there was a certain lack of originality.
Ostrich (eating the crocodile) However it's not necessarily a good thing just to be different.
A Lady (emerging from hatch in ostrich) No, quite, there is equal humour in the conventional.
Pig (eating ostrich) But on the other hand, is it what the public wants? I mean with the new permissiveness, not to mention the balance of payments. It's an undeniable fact that...
Coelocanth (eating the pig) I agree with that completely.
Rodent That's it... let's get out of this show before it's too late...
('The End' descends on it) Too late!
Two men detatch the 'It's' man from his meat-hook and carry him off.